Islamic TV: How to beat your wife


I’ve always wondered what the proper way to beat your rebellious wife was. Luckily, the folks over at Lebanon Broadcasting Company have me covered: finally, a show that gives you all the valuable wife-beating you’ve been looking for. Here are a few pointers when you’re trying to keep her in line:

1) No beating the face. You wouldn’t want to make her ugly just because she burned the toast, now would you?

2) Keep the beatings light, and punch her where the bruises won’t show. Can I recommend punching her in the boob? Maybe a few shots to the stomach for good measure.

3) Don’t slap her around. That’s kid stuff. Keep your palm closed. It’s better for teaching ‘lessons.’

Wow, I feel so informed now! Where before I had no idea how to treat 3/5′s of a person, I now realize that it’s actually my duty to smack her around. The Qur’an says so!

Righteous wives are devout and guard what God would have them guard in the husbands’ absence. If you fear high-handedness from your wives, remind them [of the teaching of God], then ignore them when you go to bed, then hit them. If they obey you, you have no right to act against them. God is most high and great.
Qur’an: 4:34

See? All they need to obey me unquestioningly, and there will be no beatings. Sounds totally fair, right?

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