Dinosaurs are Satan’s way of deceiving us!

I know this question wasn’t asked of me, but I want to answer it anyway:

I’m a little shocked. She says she is a Christian, but the Bible doesn’t say anything about dinosaurs. Should I let him keep them, as long as he understands that dinosaurs aren’t real? Even the PBS shows that he watches talk about dinosaurs and evolution, and how the scientists found these “bones” but the Bible doesn’t say that God ever created them, and the earth is only 6000 years old, not old enough to have ‘bones” that they say are millions of years old! I know that Satan tries to trick us in many ways, and this is one way he tries to fool man into believing that there isn’t a God who created the universe. How can they be bones when they made out of ROCKS? I told my son that dinosaurs are one of Satan’s many ways of tricking man, and he must talk to God before he plays with them. Am I handling this right? My first 3 were girls, and I adopted boys, and lots of mothers tell me that boys are often attracted to these dinosaurs. So I don’t know what to do. Is this just harmless fantasy play for him, or should I be worried that he may go on believing in things like evolution?

Dear concerned idiot,

Since you posted this question on the Internet, let me answer by saying first there is almost no chance your pathetic, antiquated worldview will be inculcated on your infant son. It’s too late. Maybe if you totally disconnected from the World Wide Web and lived in a cave for a while, you might be able to halt the assault of information that we call the Interwebs. Unfettered access to information is the reason your religion is slowly dying off. It can’t possibly compete with the wealth of ideas the rest of the world has to offer.

If it’s any consolation, though, your relationship will face the inevitable strain your dogmatic belief entails, so rest assured that your son’s interest in dinosaurs is a positive sign of his intelligence and curiosity of the world beyond the confines of your limited schema. A wealth of experience and knowledge awaits him, if he’s lucky enough to receive even a basic education, which I’m sure you’ll do your best to prevent.

By the time you’re dead and he’s finally able to live his life free of your religious tyranny, he may have a few positive memories of you, though they will be clouded by your intense ignorance. In the meantime, I suggest you stop blaming your imaginary friend (or enemy) for everything you despise. Odds are, it’ll only drive a wedge between you and everyone else not living in your delusion.

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