5 Life Lessons I learned from “The Unbeatables”

You can learn a lot from a video. Did you know that all drugs, once your brain is “on them”, will resemble a fried egg? I know this for a fact because Rachel Leah Cook smashed someone’s house up with a frying pan to prove it. Clearly, lessons abound in the digital format, so I thought it might be nice to extract some lessons of our own from this Christian cartoon courtesy of NuBeat Music (a Christian music label that occasionally dabbles in videos).

#1 – God will give you directions if you’re lost.

Forget about advances in science and technology that allows us to circumnavigate the world through GPS: God is the only navigator you’ll ever need. Just close your eyes, make a wish, and voila! God (who looks suspiciously like Santa Claus) will appear and give you the directions you so desperately need. It’s better than OnStar, people! All you need to do is surrender yourself (and a massive part of your income) to a deity that needs constant praise and approval!

#2 – Evil people are incompetent.

Are you worried that Satan and his hoards of minions might slaughter you in the night? Don’t worry: evil is in fact completely and utterly incompetent. While you may have heard “rumors” of genocides and various holocausts throughout human history, these bumbling fools are easily out-matched through the awesome power of prayer.

#3 – Everyone finds the answer “Because the Bible told me so” 100% convincing.

Your children will never be exposed to skeptical human beings vastly more knowledgeable than they are concerning the historicity of Jesus, Moses, or any other Biblical figure. Everyone is so receptive to the idea of Jesus that any need to further educate yourself is unnecessary.

#4 – When you pray, angels with giant mullets will beat-up the demons that cause cramps.

The power of prayer can cause any miracle to happen, and while your cynical mind may wonder “why can’t they do the same thing for the poor little crippled girl”, keep in mind that the added sympathy she gets from potential converts isn’t something you can easily measure. It must certainly be part of God’s “big plan”, regardless of how cruel or random it might appear to your limited mind.

#5 – Little kids are way more effective at conversion than adults.

Adults are merely chauffeurs, driving around the wisdom of 5 year old children where ever they go. You see, we begin knowing everything about the world, being infinitely wise and only slowly polluting our minds with facts, experimental evidence, and skepticism about the world. That’s why when the only grown up starts to speak, it’s because she needs to be “taught” something by someone who still wets the bed. She has so much to unlearn, and all of that starts the minute she stop thinking and starts feeling!

Well, I feel properly educated now. With my navigation, health and entire future in the hands of Santa Claus, I feel ready for the wider world. Is it finally time for me to leave the nest and start preaching the word of the Lord? If this video is anything like real life, then the answer is a resounding “Fuck Yeah!”

Comments (8)

  • avatar

    Hugo

    The code word is to “ax” the lord, ’cause you know he’s cool and all like that.

  • avatar

    Sarah

    the keys of direction? haven’t heard that one before…and yes he did say Ax the Lord

  • avatar

    Sarah

    When you pray, angels with giant mullets will beat-up the demons that cause cramps.

    -awesome

  • avatar

    Beatable

    Wait! Why is the miracle performing girl still in a wheel chair at the end?Not so “unbeatable” I guess.

  • avatar

    Timothy

    tell me people out there don’t take this crap as a serious win for religion. I’ve seen sponge bob episodes better written than this.

  • avatar

    Tom C

    ” Wait! Why is the miracle performing girl still in a wheel chair at the end?Not so “unbeatable” I guess.”

    Yeah, pretty much my thoughts. Also, healing cramps is a miracle? I mean, just wait 5 minutes and they go away on their own. Even worse cramps are cause by evil?! I mean, it’s hard to believe that in 2011 any adult would believe that crap, or that they’d let their kid believe it.

  • avatar

    GA_Wolf

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA

    Wow. That was, just, wow. Back in the day, magic sky daddy never sent a flying 80′s David Bowie to make me feel better. Never sent Santa Claus / Colonel Sanders to act as an impromptu GPS either.

    So, on the one hand, they say prayer can fix anything, but the little girl is still in a wheelchair, and still wears glasses. Maybe she doesn’t pray for her own benefit and hasn’t met anyone yet that likes her enough to pray for her. >:)

    If it works like the video says, should have prayed away “the old”, and let Senora Martinez turn into a supermodel. Then she and dad could go out back for some “special adult time”.

    As a parent of a child that uses a wheelchair, the last thing I want some bumbling evangelical telling her is that she could stop using it if she just believed hard enough. These people are disgusting. Ok, moving on…

  • avatar

    all7days

    Dick Dasterdly’s brother has a sweet TV!

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