This guy is hilarious

Every once in a while an old article will spring back to life whenever a religious weirdo randomly lands on a page that sends him or her into a wild, nonsensical tirade that gives you but a glimpse into their “unique” minds. Take some choice passages from “Johnathan” who wants to make sure we don’t burn in hell:

Perhaps you should put a nail down, and watch it miraculously spring to life and start “evolving” lol and you claim we’re ignorant?

Not anymore with that kind of logic, I can promise you that!

Little do you know that satan is firmly steering you.
You so blind you don’t even realize the you have the mark of the beast on you, do you ?

The tattoo dude promised me no one would know about that smurf on my butt cheek… Does this have anything to do with Satan being in the mix?

You know why you atheists don’t believe their is a God? It’s because you haven’t experienced salvation yet. You NEED to be born in spirit to understand things of the spirit.

I agree: a confusing experience really is the only way to gain knowledge about objective reality.

Perhaps you’re not aware that they’ve found remains of the Ark, when the great flood took place? How about the chariots when God destroyed in the dead sea?

That might be because I don’t get my scientific information from a pamphlet.

You are alive but as dead as a door nail. So lost, and it’s sad. satan was too an accuser of those in heaven just like you lot are.

I think I sound pretty lively for a dude who’s as dead as a door nail.

You have all the fruits the bible states satan has yet you’re too ignorant to see it. Do you know that the majority of “Christians” have got it wrong today ?

Yeah, I’m aware. Christians can’t stop telling everyone else that other Christians also have it wrong. You all pretend to like each other for our benefit, but we know you secretly loath each other, and we find that hilarious.

The bible teaches us of predestination. And PRAISE GOD Hullaluja that he saved his sheep…Do you know that I’m sent of God ? Do you know that every single one who is TRULY REBORN in JESUS is SENT of Christ ?

I did not know that, although I do have a pretty good idea about where you should be sent next, dude.

Have you ever wondered why you scoff and mock the saints? Hello? What do you get out of it?

Do I wonder why I make fun of guys who dress up in silly costumes, put on pointless rituals and talk to their imaginary friend? Not really something that keeps me up at night…

You see, it’s because you’re still under the authority of your father satan, who was a liar from the beginning and the father of all lies and deception.

You’ll notice this guy likes to use the word “father” a lot. I have a dad and that’s enough for me, thanks. If you didn’t have one of your own, I might suggest not trying to overcompensate for it.

We that God chose before the foundation of the world, are sent to testify of the mighty and glorious salvation of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, and to testify that the works of the world are evil.

Translation: we’re here to shit on everyone’s good time. Got it.

Are you one of the lost sheep? Call to Jesus! Today is the day of salvation , tomorrow could be too LATE! Some of you say “maybe there is a God”

Are you confused about reality? Are you vulnerable to stupid ideas that have no basis in hard fact? Then grab your phone and give us a call! Operators are standing by, and if you call now, we’ll throw in a lifetime supply of guilt and shame, absolutely free!

Let’s so for yourselves I was wrong, I die and that’s it. But if you’re wrong? God banishes you the eternal fire FOREVER! Where you’ll beg! And plead! And cry for mercy but your soul dear friend WILL be cast into the fire ! You won’t come out there ever! God will no longer have mercy on you because you denied the only begotten Son of God, who died for the lost sheep willingly, and was risen back to life and thus overcame and killed sin out our lives! Amen!

With a God this sadistic and cruel, you need an excessive amount of exclamation marks to make your point!

The bible is not religion, it’s FACT, it’s a history book that accounts for all things, the past, the present and the FUTURE! To things currently taking place today, it’s all in the bible.

I guess with that kind of attitude, you’re pretty much guaranteed never to expand your mind beyond the tiny horizon of faith, aren’t you Johnny? Well, it’s too bad. Who needs to be educated when this book predicts that the world is going to end in a sea of blood? Better to buy a gun and wait for the army of Satan to attack, am I right?

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Comments (6)

  • avatar

    Apollo

    wow.

    This is actually a little sad. The lack of both education and thought is quite obvious from his rantings. Perhaps we should start a big brother/sister style charity supporting/mentoring people like this in their journey from ignorance to enlightenment?

  • avatar

    Rasmus

    My troll-alarm is going off like crazy.

  • avatar

    Punky

    Thanks for the laugh this afternoon. The depths of ignorance are bottomless within the faithful, it seems.

    Apollo, that is extremely charitable of you, but no doubt you would find yourself with a roomful of proselytizers who arrive only to preach at you and never to learn something or, you know, actually listen. It’s nice of you to try to give them a pathway to intellectual freedom though! For my part, I’ll keep picking away at people one a time, patiently explaining the difference between “fantasy” and “reality”.

  • avatar

    Luc Leblanc

    I am saddened when heathens like this writer refuse to recognize the TRUTH of the Flying Spaghetti Monster as the One True God. Oh well, more beer from the volcano for me!

  • avatar

    InvincibleIronyMan

    What, the Bible accounts for ALL THINGS, past, present and FUTURE? I can’t help but notice that it’s a pretty small book if that were to be the case. It must a true masterpiece of data compresson! Maybe this guy should give the guys at PKZip a call and inform them of this discovery!

  • avatar

    Kelby

    Well, Johnathan? Come out and show yourself! Or are you scared??

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