The Church of England is dying

Man, once in a while you see a headline that just makes you want to smile. Today, my special little surprise was the Telegraph reporting if things don’t significantly improve for the Church of England, they will go the way of the Dodo bird. Of course, Church officials are scrambling to figure out what to do next:

“We are faced with a stark and urgent choice: do we spend the next few years managing decline, or do we go for growth?
In other words, do we accept the continual numerical decline of the Church of England as inevitable, or do we dare to believe a different future, that God might want his Church to grow, in holiness and in numbers?”

If your God wants his church to grow, he sure has a funny way of showing it. The decline is real, as opposed to their invisible friend who doesn’t have enough influence to keep his own followers from leaving in droves. The power of Christ compels you to leave! So, what do the numbers actually show? Are you ready to be in a good mood?

According to official figures, the number of worshippers attending church each week fell by 30,000 between 2007 and 2009, to 1.13 million.

Church of England officials argue that the decline partly reflects the nature of modern society, in which many kinds of membership organisation – including political parties – have lost supporters.

Or it could be because people are tired of spending their free time being told by a clown in a dress that their ticket to magical-fun-playland is only good if it gets validated by Jesus. And if they think other organizations are losing 30k people a week, then I want the crack they’re smoking. Clearly, the Brits are saying “no thank you” to the Church of England, and why shouldn’t they?

The General Synod will also hear a call for an emergency debate on homosexuality. Church officials will be accused of “woeful” failure to protect the institution of marriage from erosion by the rise of civil partnerships and Coalition plans to allow same-sex couples to register their partnerships in religious settings.
A lay member of Synod, Andrea Minichiello Williams, will urge the Archbishops of Canterbury and York to call an “emergency” debate to discuss Church’s stance on marriage reforms.

Experts in sophisticated nonsense having a debate on the morality of homosexuality? And they wonder why people are fleeing in droves from the embarrassment that is the Church. While the rest of us are trying to ensure every person is treated with the same rights as everyone else, these morons are still stuck trying to figure out if their 2000 year old dead Palestinian carpenter would approve. I think they should take the fucking hint that a million departures in 2 years means an increasingly large segment of the population doesn’t really give a shit what Jesus thinks about who they decide to fuck, and in a few decades, no one will.

Comments (9)

  • avatar


    Whilst this is a good sign, I still worry about the religious nuts who stick around. The same ones who argue that we’re giving up our rights to immigrants and non-Christians, who bleat that England is a Christian country and should stay that way.

    One thing that’s sometimes fun to point out to them is that the Church of England only came about because Henry the Eigth was rebelling against the Vatican, which prides itself as the hub of Christian morality.

  • avatar

    Scott Hurst

    It should be noted that “the number of worshippers attending church each week fell by 30,000” does not mean “losing 30k people a week”

    They lost 30,000 total over the two year period. If they lost that many per week, they would have lost 3.1 million members, meaning they lost ~75% over two years to finish at 1.1 million. The really only lost a litte over 2%.

  • avatar


    Is England a Christian country? I mean, we have Bishops in the House of Lords, the Queen is also the head of the CofE and the majority of Primary Schools seem to be CofE. But then again, day-to-day life seems to be quite secular and I’ve never noticed much religious influence (at least, not in my part of England). Any ideas?

  • avatar


    As an brit i kind of think that maybe people arn’t so much leaving the church of england to become more atheistic, but to join other christian denominations, ive known a couple of people to do so. plus you only have look at the amount of preists leaving in the direction of the vatican. although i will admit we’re hardly a christian nation. your far more likly to see dogmatic worship at a football match. i think this because the church of england has had its opinions on things like women vicars and preists and homosexuality forced buy a string of goverments over the years. sure the arch bishop of cantabury can mouth of all he likes but as the prime minister said after the last out burst “this will only ever be a two sided debate”.

  • avatar

    Benjamin Baxter

    Christians are leaving the Anglican Church for the Catholic, largely, and because of the already-in-place affirmation of an anti-marriage stance they’ve had since the ’30s.

  • avatar


    Yeah great news.

    And the 50,000 fucking mosques being erected where the Churches used to stand? The call to prayer being blasted out in Bradford every morning?

    What about that?

  • avatar

    Avinash Machado

    Looks like more people attend mosques on Fridays than Anglicans attend church services.

  • avatar

    Fred Garvin

    A town without churches is like tuna without parasites.

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