Michele Bachmann vows to stay crazy

The election may be far away, but American politicians seeking the highest office usually spend months, sometimes years trying to get the support and (more importantly) the funding to make it happen. Michele, aware that the list of presidential candidates is weak enough to allow her a chance of victory, is busy making pledges she hopes will attract that massive segment of the American population that still hates gay people.

To facilitate this, she’s signed a pledge by an ultra-conservative organization called “The Family Leader” to fight against the “evils” of man on man love.

Here’s a breakdown of her pledges.

  1. Slavery was bad, but at least those black kids born back then were raised in two parents homes [NOTE: are they suggesting things were better for black kids back then?].
  2. Kids of single parents are more likely to be criminals [NOTE: Especially in Michele's safety-net free future].
  3. Divorces are on the rise, and all those shattered families are costing make-believe number 112 billion dollars
  4. The social safety net of women and children is eroding due to homosexuality [NOTE: Isn't this the party that wants to destroy all social programs?].

So as a result of these “facts”, Michele has vowed to do the following if the American people collectively lose their minds and elect her president. Those vows include:

  1. She vows to be faithful to her husband.
  2. She promises to respect the marriages of others, so long as it’s heterosexual [NOTE: She didn't before?].
  3. She vows to be faithful to her own unique interpretation of the Constitution.
  4. She vows to oppose gay marriage and other non-traditional unions.
  5. She promises to get rid of marriage benefits to “quicky” divorces.
  6. She vows to protect soldiers from the unwanted advances and potential raping by their fellow gay soldiers.
  7. She wants all married heteros to have as many kids as possible.
  8. She rejects Sharia Law.
  9. Make all porn ILLEGAL [NOTE: She must be destroyed...].
  10. She promises to “downsize” government where it suits her to save money, but makes no mention of reducing the nearly 1 trillion dollars spent annually on defense [NOTE: Say goodbye to any social program of merit if she's elected].
  11. She promises to “fiercely” defend a person’s religious freedom against “attack” [NOTE: She probably means criticism].

There you have it folks: for a segment of your population, this bigot is the next president. Does it matter that she represents everything that is wrong with America [poor understanding of history, extreme religiosity, latent bigotry, racism, jingoism, and hyper conservative]?

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Comments (8)

  • avatar

    Niveker14

    Does it matter that she represents everything that is wrong with America [poor understanding of history, extreme religiosity, latent bigotry, racism, jingoism, and hyper conservative]?

    YES! I most certainly will NOT be voting for her. Hopefully enough like-minded people will actually go out to vote with me so we can stop this person (and all the other crazies trying to get on the ballot!)

  • avatar

    meatburglar

    Don’t worry, she’s only doing well because she’s prancing through Iowa which is a religious right cesspool. That and the fundies refuse to consider Romney since he’s LDS. Once this gets out of the first two or three southern/midwest states (Iowa/SC/Florida). She’ll be toast by Super Tuesday.

    I also like how this piece of shit pledge has no acknowledgment of the almost universal break-up of the family unit under slavery. Fucking idiots.

  • avatar

    Tim

    As much as I hate to say it, I think she has a chance. The current administrations biggest weakness is the fact that there has not been enough job creation. People are going to blame specifically the President and that may be enough to get otherwise rational people to vote for “any one but him” like the fact that a a large number of people voted him in cause they wanted “Anyone but a republican”. It sounds stupid but I think it pushes the chance of people like Bachman, even though sane people realize she’s nuts.

  • avatar

    Mike

    What a wonderful list of mutually contradictory & vile statements. 
     
    I particularly love that they can, without any apparent sense of irony, combine demands for gay-hate & oppression laws, control over female sexual & reproductive rights and the private actions of private citizens, with a statement that they will “reject all anti woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control”

    It would be funny, if it wasn’t so utterly terrifying!

  • avatar

    Carly

    Not surprisingly, less than 5 minutes ago I joined a Facebook group called “I’m Embarrassed Michele Bachmann Is from Minnesota.”

    I like that a sophomore girl has challenged Bachmann to a debate. I think it would be a great addition to an episode of The Daily Show.

    http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2011/05/amy_myers_michele_bachmann_debate_interview.php

  • avatar

    Baconsbud

    Don’t be sure she won’t win the Republican nomination. A lot of it will depend on who turns out to vote and if the media gives other candidates as much air time. I see the Republican party as supporters for the elimination of the US Constitution. They won’t completely throw it out but are just trying to make it possible for a smaller number of people to be able to actually use it.

  • avatar

    Aridawn

    Yes, I hate Bachman…she’s evil and crazy…but just so I’m clear, isn’t Sharia Law bad?

  • avatar

    Alec

    Ahahaha lol at number 9, that’s the only fun thing in this post though. It’s all very depressing apart from that joke.

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