You had me at “Dark Energy”


When you’re busy fighting against the forces of superstition, dogma and pseudoscience, you can often forget about the smaller doses of idiocy that go almost completely ignored. Take Flat-Earthers. I mean, no one even bothers to debunk these clowns anymore. It’s gotten so bad that they end up doing most of the hard work of calling them on their retarded shit for you.

Take the FAQ for the Flat Earth Society. It attempts to lay out all the arguments against their wacky belief, and by doing so, instantly arms anyone with the ability to debunk this garbage. Take a look at these hilarious claims:

  • Satellites are a lie. Sustained spaceflight is impossible, and all signals are broadcast from towers or ground based satellites.
  • The Sun and moon are 32 miles in diameter and are suspended above the earth via Dark Energy [NOTE: oh look, they learned a scientific term!].
  • The Earth is constantly accelerating, thereby providing the experience of gravity. [NOTE: presumably without end].
  • A vast “Icewall” protects the worlds oceans from falling off the sides.
  • The atmosphere is actually an Atmolayer [NOTE: whatever the fuck that means].
  • The sun and the moon have gravity, but the Earth does not, because it’s special.
  • The North pole is cold because the 32 mile wide sun circles around the equator.
  • Time zones exists because the sun doesn’t emit light in all directions, but rather is like a spotlight.
  • Eclipses are caused by the “antimoon”, a mysterious moon shaped black body.
  • If you drive directly southward, you will eventually fall off the edge [NOTE: none of their "scientists" have yet attempted this daring scientific experiment].
  • The Coriolis Effect is a lie.
  • All space-based organizations are involved in a global conspiracy to keep the truth of the earth’s flatness hidden.
  • The giant “Icewall” is guarded by a government agents to prevent people from exploring it. No one has survived the attempt.

Where does one even begin? The antimoon? Government conspiracies to prevent people from realizing they’re are living on a constantly accelerating disk orbited (somehow) by a 32 mile wide spotlight and its glowing cousin? Yes, it all makes sense now! America is going bankrupt trying to pay off everyone to keep the Icewall a secret. Can you imagine what’ll happen if it melts away?

Spread the outrage

Comments (84)

  • avatar

    PizzaPlanet

    @Jacob: That’s why I told you to lurk more. FET has been tested in several ways (including your suggestions; that’s why I said you’re no better than the average noob – they *all* come up with the same ideas). Why don’t you gb2FES and actually give it a read? A person smug enough to admit he’s smug surely wouldn’t be scared [sic] to read a bit…

  • avatar

    Crustinator

    Firstly, the earth is flat. Secondly, please ignore other obvious trolls who do not believe the earth is flat. Most of the FAQ is now outdated as scientists agree that the explanation of the heavens is due to bioluminescent moonshrimp which are related to the “sea monkeys” we have here on earth. The migrations of these moonshrimp case the appearance of phases of the moon and sunspots on the sun. You can see moonshrimp for yourself by looking at the moon.

  • avatar

    PizzaPlanet

    Also, @Harkanin: So did atheism. Before religion, there was no concept of atheism per se.

  • avatar

    Harkanin

    @Pizzaplanet huh? I only state I am an Atheist because I know people believe in something stupid that is for all intensive purpose a mass delusion. That delusion I do not share in, if there was no delusion there would be no labels of religion because they aren’t needed.

    You’re stating the Earth is flat considering the over whelming evidence to the contrary, from what I have seen you all believe in a massive cover up for the matter of photographic evidence.

    I agree with someone as they said earlier you won’t be convinced til you go in to space yourself. I see no validity in your science, of what I have read, so I will not believe its flat. That is until I see the giant fucking ice wall myself or I go into space.

    @crustinator I hope to roundness you’re kidding. If not you just made Blanko and Ichi seem smarter.

  • avatar

    Harutsedo

    @Harkanin
    Yes, Crustinator is kidding.

  • avatar

    Harkanin

    LOL that is what i was thought but I just had to ask. :)

  • avatar

    Harutsedo

    Well, to be honest, moonshrimp IS an idea they have, but it’s a minority thought.

  • avatar

    Verrine

    Dr Crustinator is not kidding. He is one of the most respected FE scientists and his theories are widely accepted and praised. He has many followers among FE scientists and zetetes. According to a recent poll on our excellent forum, only 50% of FE’rs don’t believe in moonshrimp. I suggest you read some of Dr Crustinator’s great articles (I reccommend you the articles about Colonel Sanders and dinosaurs).

  • avatar

    Crustinator

    @Harutsedo No I am not kidding, please do not beliitle our beliefs. It does not matter what percentage of people believe in moonshrimp. You cannot dictate the truth by consensus. However you are still wrong, most people believe in moonshrimp including many top scientists.

  • avatar

    Eliot

    @ Sterling Knight: I know you may not comment on this but I hope you see it. AGAIN, I do not believe in a flat Earth, I am not trying to convince anybody that the Earth is flat, and you completely misunderstand and misrepresent my intentions. rif.org

  • avatar

    spector567

    For the Flat earthers. You want the proof for yourself and won’t accept it unless than prove it themselves….

    Well lets go back 1,000 years to the greeks and how they did it. Highschoolers are doing it today.
    http://www.astronomy.no/venus080604/school/calculation.html
    http://www.newton.dep.anl.gov/askasci/ast99/ast99155.htm

    Amazing what a little google will do.

  • avatar

    spector567

    @Eloit
    “Consider this: the Earth looks flat. That alone is reason enough to at least be critical of the notion that we should just take for granted that it isn’t. Otherwise it’s blind faith, which I understand atheists aren’t generally fans of.”

    On what planet does the earth look flat? As people pointed out there is the ocean Horizen. the man made methods I pointed about above. There are numbours methods to see the curvature of the earth with the Nakked eye. Just because you haven’t looked does not mean it’s not true. So with respect. who is more close minded. The person who has looked or the one who hasn’t.

    Your various proofs and explinats are only supported by not looking

    Gravity for instance is NOT constant everywhere on earth. It varies based on elevation. By your theory it should be 100% constant everywhere. It is not and you yourself can go measure this.

    The most imporatnt question out of all of this is WHY?

    Why would anyone keep this conspiracy going for 5 centuries for no gain.

    I should also be clear. I don’t belittle your beliefs. I belittle the fact that you’d rather call several million people liars than actually go measure the things yourself. It’s known as being lazy.

  • avatar

    Sterling Knight

    @Eliot

    Just so you know, I read it and I do appreciate your effort to get across your opinion. I think I have a better Idea of what you’re trying to say, but for everyone else’s sake maybe try to be more direct. Sorry if I misread your intensions. :)

  • avatar

    Waste of Mind

    The Earth is flat and you are fat.

  • avatar

    Waste of Mind

    Also, dongs.

  • avatar

    PizzaPlanet

    @Harkanin: Exactly. “Because” being the keyword here.

    And no, I believe in no fabrication on photography. Why would I?

    And last, but not least: you claim you’ve read of FET, and yet you present an incredible lack of knowledge about FET. Are you sure you didn’t accidentally read the back of your cereal box instead?

  • avatar

    Tom Bishop

    Please read Earth Not A Globe by Dr. Samuel Birley Rowbotham MD.

  • avatar

    Eric the Red

    I’m a Flat Earther. I wanted to debunk some arguments here.

    Q. People have sent up hydrogen baloons and have seen curvature to the horizon. How is that possible if the earth is flat?

    A. On a flat earth at very high altitudes you are looking down at the illuminated circle of the sun’s light. When looking down at a circle you will see some elliptical curvature.

    Q. But NASA claims to have seen the earth as a globe.

    A. NASA is a fraudulent organization and is not to be trusted.

    Q. But people have believed that the earth has been a globe for hundreds of years!

    A. Yes. But they were mistaken. Please Read Earth Not a Globe by Samuel Birley Rowbotham. A copy is available online if you search for it. The book goes through why Aristotile and the ancients built their cosmologies on a false premise.

    Q. Why do ships “sink” behind the horizon?

    A. It doesn’t. The ship is actually shrinking into the horizon from the bottom up. Please read Chapter 14 of Earth Not a Globe for a primer on the subject.

    Q. How can the earth accelerate upwards forever?

    A. No one suggested that the acceleration would be perpetual. Many hold that one day the acceleration will stop and all life on earth will come to an end.

  • avatar

    Harkanin

    I didn’t say I am well read just stated of what I have read this is what I have noticed about the general belief.

  • avatar

    Nachtfalter

    Wow. Just… wow. I never thought there’d ever be a group of people that makes Sarah Palin, Miss USA and consorts look bright in comparison.

  • avatar

    Michael

    Someone needs to start up a fund to get these people some lithium. Who’ll start up the chip in account?

    Yes, yes, the world is suffering from a multi-continental, multi-lingual, multi-branch-of-the-government conspiracy to cover up something that,if true, would be a triviality. Makes perfect sense.

    Reading this kind of reminds me of A Beautiful Mind. Not the part where he does something worth-while and gets a Nobel prize, the part where he starts looking for patterns in newspapers to support his delusion.

  • avatar

    Harkanin

    I think I am done with this, not only is their opinion based off of a 200+ year old book (might as well just be the bible), but you can disprove them by seeing satellites on a clear night with a good telescope.

    So have fun trolling us flat earthers some of you have spoken well and others not so much, same can be said for us.

    But as my friend said “moon-shrimp can suck my nuts… It might tickle.”

  • avatar

    Christian McFadden

    Whenever someone claims to have seen the craziest shit they’ve ever seen, I will from now on be pointing them to that website to prove them wrong. The bar has truly been raised here.

  • avatar

    shillyer

    for the flat earthers.
    is there no such thing as gravity? you talk about the acceleration being 9.81 m/sec/sec but if the earth still has gravity then the illusion of gravity would be stronger than 9.81 m/sec/sec this is obviously wrong so I assume that you do not believe in gravity. am I right?

    I have some follow up questions.

  • avatar

    Duane

    I don’t know what to think of these people. My best guess is that the Flat Earth Conspiracy is conspiracy theorists’ version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

  • avatar

    Ben Agag

    Jacob, thanks for this post. Made me laugh so much that there are actually people who believe this utter bullshit.

    I think the sad thing is seeing how people have to make huge leaps and twists in order to cater for their beliefs.

    People say you shouldn’t ridicule the beliefs of others, but when they are ridiculous, they deserve it.

    To you FEers, I don’t care if this annoys you. I’ll say it straight. You are morons. Wake up.

  • avatar

    HB

    Does anyone really believe that the FES actually believes what they say they believe? I think Eliot really said more than enough if it wasn’t already obvious. They can and will continue to say they believe, but really, they appear to be a satirical organization attempting to make a very good point (whether you agree with their methods or not). Jonathan Swift anyone? And if I’m wrong and they truly do believe in what they say they do (which, again, I am still extremely skeptical of), then they teach a valuable lesson about belief in the face of scientific evidence, which can be verified (should it actually be true / real science). I find all this very amusing.

  • avatar

    darkpaw

    I have laughed at the entirety of this thread. Please, everyone, do keep it up.

    Are there really people out there who think that the Earth is flat? Really?

    Oh… my… goodness. It appears that snake oil is now a hypothesis.

  • avatar

    Jarrod

    I lolled so hard listening to the flat earth discussion on the latest episode. I was on my bike at the time, riding up a hill – thus proving the earth is not flat. Q.E.D. bitches!

  • avatar

    Ben Agag

    I’ve heard some funny stuff from Jehovah’s Witnesses who said that God created dinosaurs to walk around and flatten some areas of the world (they dont believe the whole planet is flat) because some of them were very heavy. Then when the flood came round, apparently the earth was flat enough that god didn’t need to keep them around anymore… hilarious!

    This, though, makes that look like nothing. The entire earth…flat… I had to come back to this post today just to make sure it hadn’t been a dream!

  • avatar

    sysyphus jones

    On a slightly different tack …
    Do the FEers have an explanation why all of science and every government would be in on this conspiracy?
    I mean (suspending critical thinking for a moment) if we look at other popular conspiracy theories, say the Moon landings being fake, there is usually *something* that someone is supposedly gaining: “The lunar landings were faked because Uncle Sam couldn’t lose face by admitting that space travel beyond the Van Allen Belt is impossible” … or something …
    Anyway, who gains out of the FE conspiracy theory? Just asking …

    Re gravity being the FE accelerating in the vertical plane … My rough calculation is that within a year the FE would be travelling at the speed of light (300000000/9.8/60/60/24 = 354 days)
    But sustaining the acceleration becomes progressively more difficult as the FE increases in velocity, approaching an infinite force being required on the 354th day …

    What do they think is supplying the force and why haven’t we reached c yet?

    Also upward acceleration would imply that parts of the universe would be “bleeding” off the edges of the view of the heavens … So FE astronomers should be able to confirm their theory by observing parts of the universe “disappearing behind us” …

    Finally, no one (who isn’t actually deranged) really believes in a FE, of course: This has to be a variation on Poe. The FEers are just having fun poking at the rationalist … right?

  • avatar

    Cody

    This comment thread maybe dead by now but I think I’ll chip in my thoughts anyways.

    To all of you atheists:

    There was a kid I knew in high school who was a devout atheist. He believed science explained everything, he was thoroughly anti-Christian, and above all was sure that he was the most intelligent person ever to exist, and that he was right and everyone else was wrong.

    One day a friend of mine told him the word “gullible” was written on the ceiling. The atheist kid looked up at the ceiling and upon seeing nothing, told my friend “No it isn’t!” and my friend said again “the word “gullible” is written on the ceiling” and so the atheist looked again, and made use of his vast array of knowledge and logic he learned from his science books. “There is no way anyone could have written that on the ceiling! It’s not possible to get up there to write it!” On another day my friend told the atheist “did you know that “Ice cream” said slowly sounds like “gullible”?” and of course the atheist responded “no it isn’t! I-c-e-c-r-e-a-m. See! it doesn’t sound like gullible!” My friend did this several times, every time the atheist used logic and reasoning to respond.

    And so you atheists respond to “flat-earthers”. Did you know that the word “gullible” is actually a term coined by the government to hide the existence of the flat earth? Prove me wrong

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