Pray your problems away, Ricky!

America is in crisis. Your debt is spiraling out of control, and your own citizens have become consumed by deficit, of both the credit card and student loan variety. Many of your social programs, brought to their knees by conservative administrations, are being overtaxed by an increasingly aged population. As the average American begins to comprehend the grim situation, many are feeling desperate and afraid. So, as you can image, this is the kind of climate where religions thrive, and where naive rubes are convinced the best way to solve everything is by asking help from a magical man in the sky (who happens to be a few thousand years late arriving). This, by the way, is the same dude who promised to come back and behead the majority of people on this planet in the worst bloodbath in human history. Who wouldn’t be excited?

The particular offender today is the new governor of Texas, Rick Perry. Now, the job of governor of the great state of Texas requires that the candidate have an overly developed religious muscle and a severely atrophied brain. Ricky has managed to outdo himself with his latest idea to solve the financial crisis in America: he wants to fill up a stadium full of Christians and have them all pray for the bad news to go away.

America is in crisis: we have been besieged by financial debt, terrorism, and a multitude of natural disasters. As a nation, we must come together and call upon Jesus to guide us through unprecedented struggles, and thank Him for the blessings of freedom we so richly enjoy.” The Texas Governor called on Americans to join him in asking for “God’s forgiveness, wisdom and provision for our state and nation. There is hope for America. It lies in heaven, and we will find it on our knees.

If America’s only hope is to pray to their imaginary friend for their debt to magically disappear, I’ve got some pretty grim news for them. You’re totally fucked. And considering how the average “IQ” of your government officials continues to plummet as your financial debt skyrockets, I’m surprised most of you haven’t just thrown your hands in the air and said “fuck this shit, I’m out of here”. If guys like Perry keep coming up with such brilliant plans to solve your problems, then it’s probably only a matter of time before you do.

Comments (5)

  • avatar


    God’s omnipresence isn’t that impressive when you have to gather a stadium full of his people for him to hear…

  • avatar


    Idiots! Everyone knows this type of crisis can only be resolved by sacrificing a virgin to a volcano. As an additional benefit, this act may also ensure the harvest and prevent earthquakes. Common sense people…

  • avatar


    If they’re gonna pray to a religious figure to resolve their debt, they should choose the Pope.

  • avatar

    Colleen Hall

    Funny you say it’s only a matter of time that americans leave. I have full intent to move out of the US as soon as I’m done with my education, which my parents are graciously paying for. I’ll probably move to britain or Canada. The only problem is I hate the cold so that’ll be a pain.

  • avatar

    Tina in Houston

    Slight correction: Gov Perry is not the new governor of TX. He was re-elected over Democrat and former mayor of Houston Bill White. Perry has been our governor since Bush was elected in 2000. Unfortunately it looks like he’s about to be released on to the general public. Sorry about that.

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