Happy Lupercalia

I hope you have your goatskins ready for the festival of health and fertility, everyone! It’s time to honor Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled Remus and Romulus (no, not the Star Trek planets) when they were abandoned orphans. To properly celebrate, be sure to have 2 dogs and a goat ready to be slaughtered with a knife, and when someone wipes the blade still fresh with their blood on your forehead, remember that you’re expected to laugh and smile. I don’t want to see any frowns, people!

Of course if that’s a bit too morbid for you, you can always celebrate the Christian holiday that was meant to replace it: St. Valentine’s Day, named after several saints who were martyred. Of course, rather than celebrate the execution of deluded idiots, you can instead cater to the gods of the greeting card industry and succumb to the societal pressure of doing something romantic with your girlfriend. If it makes you feel any less bitter, you never really had a choice anyway, man.

For the rest of you single guys and girls, I suggest you forget about this yearly reminder of your romantic inadequacy and instead focus on finding some dogs to ritualistically slaughter…

Comments (6)

  • avatar

    L.Long

    Or you can celebrate the pagan holiday the xtians stole because they could not stand to have young people coupling in celebration of love and marriage (pagan style).

  • avatar

    Tercero

    source for that please? XD

  • avatar

    L.Long

    I have long since forgot the source but it was a book on pagan rituals that were taken and changed by the church. For valentine it was a week of couples trying to live together to see if they were good for each other. I’ll try finding it again asap but I don’t hold much hope. My personal library of 0ver 700 books is packed up and in storage waiting for my house to sell.

  • avatar

    Joey3264

    this article could be interpreted the wrong way…

  • avatar

    Kyle Nicholas

    Valentine’s Day rankles me in several ways. The most major problem is that the greeting card industry (as well as all those other industries that benefit from the holiday, like the diamond industry [responsible for slavery and bloodshed in Africa] and the floral industry) all sell heterosexuality as the only valid manifestation of love. I have yet to see gay Valentines cards sold in Target or Walmart. I don’t see lesbian couples exchanging jewelry on tv commercials. Homosexuals are gaining favor in the general public slowly but surely, but for the most part we’re still an invisible population to the advertizers. Even then, same-sex attraction is often the butt of jokes when it is depicted in advertizing. We’ve a long way to go.

  • avatar

    NastyHeathen

    Yeah, my first Valentine’s Day with my wife, I called it Un-Valentine’s Day and no one has forgotten it yet. That was 6 years back. Now I just call it ‘Thinking of you’ Day, as really I don’t want to be a hypocrite and celebrate some dumb loser’s “Day”.

    But yeah, no choice really but to get a card, chocolates and go for some nice grub and bottle of plonk at the local restaurant :)

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