Catholics Come Home

Catholics have taken a page from Evangelical Christians and are actively trying to recruit people back to the faith. After the shellacking they’ve received amidst all the sex scandals, they’re looking for a little PR work, and they’ve found it in “Catholics Come Home“.

The site promises to convert you to, or back to Catholicism by answering a few pathetic questions, and glossing over any fact that looks to be embarrassing. It tries to present the faith as though for the past 2000 years it’s been a model organization. There doesn’t seem to be any information on Inquisitions, Crusades, or the persecution of Jews. Guess they forgot about those historical “oopsies”

Some of their quotes are hilariously out of touch:

the late Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said, “There are not even 100 people in this country who hate the Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they think the Catholic Church to be.”

I’m pretty fucking sure the Church’s history of protecting child rapists from prosecution has probably made more than 100 people hate the Catholic Church, man. Of course, Sheen died in 1979, just about the time that some of his coworkers were busy in Boston fondling kids left and right. Hear no evil, see no evil, right?

Also, if you’re unsure whether or not your own faith will continue to vilify homosexuality, rest assured Catholicism promises to never stop their campaign of false information and bigotry:

From our web site you will learn about homosexuality and chastity. By developing an interior life of chastity, which is the universal call to all Christians, one can move beyond the confines of the homosexual identity to a more complete one in Christ…

In other words, if you’re gay, you too can be accepted into the Catholic Church if you forever deny your sexual being and love Jesus instead. Sure, he might not cuddle you at night, and he certainly won’t tickle your balls, but you can rest easy knowing your invisible friend has made it impossible for you to live a fulfilled and full life. Hurray!

Comments (3)

  • avatar


    Haha. My girlfriend’s mom actually sent this link to me a while back (I’m a recovered Catholic–6 years sober!). I hate that woman…

    And speaking of hating on the Catholics, a [relatively] high-ranking official has just been charged with something for the first time in the US (child endangerment for putting pedophiles into jobs with children, which led to two boys being assualted):

  • avatar


    How can you say anything so outrageous about Jesus! I am completely disgusted with your calousnes! Of course Jesus would tickle your balls! He like the taint as well.

  • avatar

    Bryan Elliott

    If you’re an ex-catholic, and frustrated by the lack of an electronic means of contacting the purveyors of this site, the WHOIS record reports the administrator of the site is

    Let him know exactly what the consequences to a dev are if they permit an organization to have a site without a means of contacting the people responsible for the content, rather than the administrator.

Leave a Comment

Scroll to top