Are your pets Rapture Ready?

Well, looks like someone finally stepped up to provide Rapture crazy nutjobs with a service they’ve been craving for: ensuring that their animals will be taken care of once Jesus beams them up into space-heaven when he annihilates the infidels.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is offering this service by guaranteeing their employees and volunteers are all died-in-the-wool atheists (and animal lovers, of course). That way, they can rest assured that Rex won’t be stuck all alone after magical man-god whisks them away.

If it’s successful, it’s basically a license to print money. I’d feel bad for them taking money away from gullible morons if I wasn’t so fucking jealous of their idea. It makes me want to resurrect my “Rap-Sure” insurance scam….

Comments (9)

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    Hahaha. So jealous.

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    Damnit, that’s brilliant!

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    DUDE! Haven’t these people ever watched “All dogs Go To Heaven?” It’s very educational. (lol… as if!)

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    I’m telling you man. Get yourself a lawyer and print up some contracts for those May 21st idiots to give you all their worldly possessions. They’re about to go to heaven so they dont need that shit. Show up to the church, bring a camera and video tape all the morons who dont sign it and the dumber ones who do sign it. Take that shit and make a documentary of it. Keep the leaders money and give back everything for the followers under one condition: they admit that God and religion is a scam, on tape. Tape it all!!!!!!

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  • avatar

    Andy Scott

    Get me a pen!

    I have notes to take from these people…

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    Will Rodbourne

    I would love to know if they’re actually able to make a go of this. If it works now, it’ll work in future – there’s always a new ‘end of the world’ coming right around the corner!

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    Ah, I don’t know if Jinxie should be saved by the atheists–is there a guarantee that the heathens won’t eat her?

  • avatar


    I am happy to report we have 235 clients who have contracted for our service. We recently increased our rates in anticipation of an increase in demand with the May 21 end times prophesy.

    FYI: I get alot of Xtians saying “all dogs go to heaven” thus they are not in need of my service. I remind them that they are getting their theology from a 1989 animated film by the same name, not scripture.

    Yours in reason,
    Bart Centre
    creator/ co-owner EE-BP

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