Jesus wants to give you Hepatitis

When you’re a Catholic priest, one of your supposed powers is the ability to transform wine into the blood of your dead Savior. This supposed divine skill is called “transubstantiation”, and it’s about the lamest power you could confer on anyone. I’ve always been surprised parishioners believe this happens, since they should be able to tell it’s definitely wine they are drinking during Communion. I guess you can’t under-estimate the power of delusion.

The other problem with the whole act of Communion: everyone is drinking from the same cup. It sounds like a gigantic health hazard, and surprise: it turns out a few hundred people in New York may have contracted Hepatitis A during Christmas Mass.

So what are the symptoms of Hep A?

While hepatitis A often has no visible symptoms in children, in adults it often exhibits itself in the form of flu-like symptoms. Other symptoms include tiredness, nausea, vomiting, pain in the right upper quadrant of the abdomen, jaundice, dark-colored urine and, in severe cases, liver failure.

Wow, that sounds like it sucks hard. Surely there must be a treatment for this other than praying, right?

There is no treatment for hepatitis A once one has developed the infection, though if you know you’ve been exposed, Mahan recommends getting a vaccine promptly

The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Comments (5)

  • avatar


    Oh come on. I’ve done the communion thing, it’s totally blood. Blood with like a 6% BAC…

  • avatar


    Clearly those who received the lord’s ‘blessing’ of Hepatitis A are either vile sinners and needed to be taught a valuable lesson or they are a part of some greater scheme. I would very much like to interview these people and get their genuine impression of why they believe their god would allow them to acquire this disease. Never underestimate the power of delusion, indeed.

  • avatar


    He’s not the messiah… he’s a very naughty boy! And oh yes, Jesus has been a VERY naughty boy. Either that or he’s been sharing needles.

  • avatar


    If Jesus cared about sanitation he would have taught people to wash their hands.

  • avatar

    Men's Battle Plan

    haha! Love the title of this post.

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