Only 169 days until Jesus returns

Boy, am I excited. After nearly 2000 years of being a complete fucking no-show, Jesus has announced his glorious return on May 21st, 2011. This is according to a Nashville billboard paid for by fans of Family Radio Inc, which according to their website has the correct calculation for the return of the Lord:

Thus Holy God is showing us by the words of 2 Peter 3:8 that He wants us to know that exactly 7,000 years after He destroyed the world with water in Noah’s day, He plans to destroy the entire world forever. Because the year 2011 A.D. is exactly 7,000 years after 4990 B.C. when the flood began, the Bible has given us absolute proof that the year 2011 is the end of the world during the Day of Judgment, which will come on the last day of the Day of Judgment.

Amazingly, May 21, 2011 is the 17th day of the 2nd month of the Biblical calendar of our day. Remember, the flood waters also began on the 17th day of the 2nd month, in the year 4990 B.C.

How could we forget? Yes, the story of Noah proves the loving God of the Old Testament likes to roll around and basically annihilate his creation every time he’s unhappy with the outcome. I know how he feels: when I play SimCity and figure out halfway through my city just simply can’t support itself, I usually send a few natural disasters to “cleanse” the place, and allow me to start over. I’ve been waiting for the expansion pack that would include the crazy mouth-sword killer Jesus of Revelation, but so far it hasn’t come out yet.

So mark your calendars, people! Jesus is coming back, and he’s bringing a death sickle!

Comments (9)

  • avatar

    Riz

    … and as I understand it? “This time for -sure-”. This won’t be like all of those other -false- predictions.. all together now, this time with feeling, apparently.

    I’ve marked May 22nd on my calendar instead of May 21st, for obvious reasons (“For the lulz”).

    By the way, should we all start making predictions now for what their excuse will be when he -doesn’t- come back? Maybe take a few bets, make some cash off of this puppy… stupidity has endless opportunities for cash income (ie: http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/)

  • avatar

    Jacob Fortin

    Well, if these people are so convinced, I’m headed down to Nashville to buy all their shit for rock bottom prices.

  • avatar

    Riz

    Good plan, I like it. Technically they should be giving it away for free if you think about it.. not being able to take it with them and all.

  • avatar

    Dayton

    Brilliant plan!

  • avatar

    Men's Battle Plan

    That’s the due date for my 2nd child! Dang!

  • avatar

    Matt Collins

    Ha, ha that’s hilarious, I live in Toronto and work downtown and I have seen this van driving around with Jesus returns May 21 written on it. I want to ask the driver what happens when he doesn’t return.

  • avatar

    Aegis

    Anyone have any contact details for the group who put it up? Might be an idea to swamp their inbox with the most public suggestions we can make, backed up by Biblical verse, on how and where they can give away all of their belongings to charity.

    Y’know. Just call their bluff a little, see how many of them are willing to be good Christians.

  • avatar

    Al

    Well, at the risk of your hissing and being publically humiliated, I’ll go ahead and let you know up front I am a believer that Jesus is coming back. However, I find it odd that anyone would assume they know when based on Matthew 24:36, Jesus says that the only person who knows the time is G-D the Father – not even the angels (or He Himself) knows the hour. Unfortunately, for this and other reasons, people have refused scripture. Just because a group of “crazies” use it for their own purposes should not be a reason to disregard its validity. In fact, one of my favorite verses is 1 Thessalonians 5:21 – Test everything. Hold on to what is good.

    So, you know, be on your guard. :)

  • avatar

    Anonymous

    Although the christian bible states that “neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.” it does not mean that this grumpy god will use other means. After all, there are still at least three other elements he might choose to use! Perhaps once he has used all the other elements and rewrote the bible to reflect this will there finally be peace on earth… or maybe this god will just give up and leave the universe to rule itself; then atheists will finally be right!

    http://bible.cc/genesis/9-11.htm

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