Christian Internet nanny protects you from the “dark side”

Are you tired of you and your loved ones having infinite access to the Internet? Are you worried that your children might accidentally encounter the devil and his filthy temptations online? Then Total Net Guard is the Internet service provider you’ve been waiting for!

You might be wondering if this is the right service for you. What kinds of dangers exist online for Christians? Well, the answer may surprise you:

At AFO we currently have over 20 million sites blocked in categories including porn, vulgarity, gambling, violent games, chat rooms. etc. Seven to ten thousand additional sites are added to the filter list each day.

There are currently almost seven thousand Internet Service Providers nationwide and only three hundred offer a filtering of any kind. Some interesting comparisons of Internet site content tells us who “owns” the Internet…The web contains:

  • 7.9 million game sites compared to one million churches
  • 5.7 million adult sites as opposed to 1.9 million ministry sites
  • 3.2 million gay and only a little over 13,000 pro-family sites
  • 179,000 occult sites competing against 47,000 youth groups of any kind
  • 44,500 Howard Stern sites to 11,700 sites for Dr. James Dobson
  • 1 million Madonna (material girl) sites mocking 13,900 for Mother Theresa
  • 305,000 Bill Clinton sites versus 49,000 for Pope John Paul II

It is clear that Satan and the secular humanist world “own” the Internet.

So apparently, we secularists are totally in cahoots with Satan and Bill Clinton (who may in fact be the same person). For an extra 10 bucks a month, you can let Total Net Guard into your life, allowing the company to perpetually narrow the amount of choices you have. In fact, you can even ask the company to block pages they might otherwise allow. Check out some of these powerful testimonials:

“Thank you for your faithfulness in controlling the viewed pages over the Internet. I am behind you all the way.”

“You are doing the Godly thing by blocking these sites. I requested Facebook to be blocked due to a sexual matter and with out hesitation you blocked it for me. Thank you for doing what is right!!!!!!!!!!!”

See how happy people are when choices are taken away? I mean, that last testimonial was from a medical doctor, and he used over 10 exclamation marks. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Comments (4)

  • avatar


    Haha! I love how they compare Madonna to Mother Theresa.

  • avatar

    Men's Battle Plan

    Have you seen this Chappelle skit “If the internet was a real place” :

    He’s a genius.

  • avatar


    But…how will the latent homosexual priests get their fix?!?!?! I guess it’s back to Sears catalogues for them.

  • avatar


    5.7 million porn sites? That’s not NEARLY enough! If I’m not careful, it’s only a matter of time before I burn through the world’s porn resources.

    p.s. Jacob, I’ve taken your advice and started masturbating even more than I already do… and thinking about Christine O’Donnell while I do. She looks a hell of a lot like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who I used to jack it to as a lad (and still pump one out to for old time’s sake), so it’s an easy transition.

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