SeaWorld tragedy could have been avoided by following scripture

A few days ago, an orca named Tilikum dragged trainer Dawn Brancheau down into the water, drowning her before a crowd of spectators. This wasn’t the first time the killer whale was involved in a deadly incident, and this has galvanized the American Family Association into action. They released a statement saying this tragedy could have been avoided had the owners of SeaWorld simply followed scripture:

Chalk another death up to animal rights insanity and to the ongoing failure of the West to take counsel on practical matters from the Scripture. […] Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28) So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn’t know the animal was going to go postal on somebody. But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn’t kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, “the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death.” (Exodus 21:29)

You hear that? The owners of SeaWorld should have been stoned to death, along with Tilikum for their sins! Of course, the logistics of stoning an underwater animal is a bit unclear (I guess they would have to string her up and fetch some pretty damn big boulders to get the job done). They would also have had to sacrifice his fat and bone to the Lord, since he desires the burnt flesh of sinful animal murderers (he loves his blood and sinew, don’t you know?)

It’s some pretty gruesome shit if you ask me. If the American Family Association had their way, we’d all be following the edicts of a Bronze Age manuscript with some pretty fucked up rituals and rules. We’d have to stone to death adulterers, homosexuals, kids who talk back to their parents, college students who work the weekend shift at the local 7-11 and tarot card readers (ok, maybe that one’s not so bad). Does that sound like something we want to do as a civilized society?

If you think the AFA (formerly known as the dubiously named “National Federation for Decency”) is fringe; think again. They have over half a million members, and some include influential politicians and policy makers, like senators Jim DeMint (R-SC), Michele Bachmann (R-MN), and Sam Brownback (R-KS) to name a few. If things keep looking this good, we’ll all be invited to stoning parties, which is a lot more fun than watching a bunch of whales doing flips and drowning trainers, don’t you agree?

(props to Think Progress for the find)

Comments (15)

  • avatar


    Surely, there’s gotta be a way we can blame the homos for this…? 😉

  • avatar


    The hilarity and illogical of what they said starts right at the begining. “Chalk another death up to animal rights insanity and to the ongoing failure of the West to take counsel on practical matters from the Scripture”

    The animal rights “insanity” actually is against the keeping of the Killer Whale in captivity all together. It is the West taking counsel on “practical matters” from the Scripture that is the reason we have the Killer Whale in a small tank and people swimming with it in the first place, since in the Bible God tells men animals are here for us to use, and is exactly what these people use all the time to counter the animal rights “insanity”.

    How very very dishonest of AFA, but what else would I expect from them from everything I have ever read on their site.

    (side note though, I do love to use their “write to your representative” templates and resources to change their words around against their ’causes’ all the time :D.

  • avatar

    joe botelho

    if they kill the whale can i have some i heard that shit tastes better then a steak wrapped in bacon with light fishy taste

    Having a whale of a good time
    Joe Botelho

  • avatar


    I just want to be in on the stoning of the whale. Imagine getting to tell that one to your grandkids – “Let me tell you about the time I killed a killer whale with a rock.”

  • avatar


    Say what you will about me, but I always get a GIGANTIC chubby when an animal snaps and takes some bloody revenge against us humans. Any time I’m watching snippets of the “Running Of The Bulls” from Pamplona, I’m beating my cock raw the whole time, just waiting for some idiot tourist to get impaled. Gives a very literal meaning to the expression “You fuck with the bull, you get the horns.”

    But yeah, fuck these ass-clowns. Didn’t we try the whole “Living according to Scriptural values” thing a while back? Just ask anyone who was alive during the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades or the Salem Witch Hunts – it was no picnic!

  • avatar


    THe whale probably gets it and is tired of being a fucking commodity in the entertainment of humans. It probably is revolting and trying to lead a revolution to take back its independence. The whale is probably simply responding to its understanding and rejection of its status as another “plaything” for humans.

    Why don’t they simply let the damn whale go and let it live in the wild where all animals belong and not in some amusement park as a slave to our desire to be “entertained”?

  • avatar


    –FOLLOWUP– original author met with backlash; claims that, when he quoted scripture implying whale’s owner should be put to death, he was ignorantly misinterpreted [irony, anyone?]… tries to distance himself from “crudely literal” interpretations.
    Where do you draw the line, chump?

    Exodus 21 also features the “underlying principle” of owning Hebrews and splitting up their families. Thanks for the edutainment.

  • avatar

    Hank Hill

    Here’s a fun run-down of the Top 7 Killer Whale Attacks….

  • avatar


    Sounds like the AFA just want to use this whale story that is nationally circulating to shove scripture down peoples throats. Most conservatives don’t even like quoting Exodus because even they don’t follow those old rules. But I think it’s hilarious when they use it to condemn gays and whales. hahaha

  • avatar


    Next best thing from the same guys: teach your dog according to the Scripture. Classic !!!

  • avatar


    I have nothing political to say. This piece is just pure joy. I loved it!

  • avatar


    The incident brought together many styles of human genius. We are perfect in so many ways. We never cease to amaze ourselves and each other. Too bad the animals are often left unimpressed.

  • avatar


    Ha that god sure is loving isn’t he.

  • avatar

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