Chuck Norris is insane

Before he can become “President of Texas”, Chuck Norris is on an anti-abortion campaign. He regularly blogs for the ultra conservative World Net Daily, and reading his posts is an exercise in both patience and a form of torture in some countries.

In his latest opus, Chucky takes on health care reform, lambasting Democrats for trying to provide abortion services to women in need. He’s not cool with that idea, since he argues if the Virgin Mary had access to such a system, baby Jesus would have never been born:

Lastly, as we sit on the eve of another Christmas, I wonder: What would have happened if Mother Mary were covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor uninsured teenaged[sic] woman were provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy?

Actually, I rather like this question: here Chuck is introducing us to a moral dilema that he seems blindly unaware of: what should a woman do if her life is threatened by a pregnancy (this being the fucking Bronze Age, the penalty was indeed stoning for being pregnant out of wedlock. Wow, what a moral bunch)? In Chuck’s world, you have the baby, no matter how dangerous such a propositions is for the both of you. Don’t like it? Too fucking bad.

Norris isn’t a particularly educated man, so I have to believe he has no idea the human body regularly aborts pregnancies if complications arise. It’s why until month three of your pregnancy, it’s best to be cautiously optimistic about the whole thing. But hey, if you’re not convinced all abortions are bad, that’s because you haven’t heard the best part of his wishy-washy philosophy of the consequences of legalized abortion:

Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind, if only they too would have been as progressive as Washington’s wise men and women!

If you can use that stupid reasoning, couldn’t this world also have been spared a few headaches if the Stalins or the Hitlers had access to the procedure? Just sayin’.

Comments (9)

  • avatar


    Oh Jacob you have such an oppertunity with this story to include some Chuck Norris Jokes!

    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

    Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

    Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

    Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

    They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

  • avatar


    Just so chuck is clear it’s fine that wealthy individuals be able to receive that care, just that the poor and needy can’t have that same care with tax dollars.

    Wealth, work, or luck should not be the standard by which health care uses to dole out benefits.

  • avatar


    All those jokes have given him this new attention, think about that!!

  • avatar


    Seriously, I’m sick of those jokes. Everyone tells them at my school, but no one has ever even seen a Norris film or TV show. If they had, they would all hate the jokes just as much as I do.

    Seriously, shit actor.

  • avatar


    Chuck Norris doesn’t act terribly, he’s just realer than anyone. Roundhouse kick, pushup the world, War on Christmas.

  • avatar


    Well, than maybe it’s just me, but I hate his acting career. The only good movie he ever starred in was that Bruce Lee film where Bruce Lee rips a huge chunk of chest hair off of him, and that was only because it starred Bruce Lee.

  • avatar

    Joee B

    Jesus can walk on water, but Jacob Fortin can swim on land.

  • avatar


    All Chuck Norris jokes were ruined forever by Chuck Norris going on TV and talking about them-

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

    Chuck- “Here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures god has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a god, a creator, who made you and me. We were made in his image, which separates us from all other creatures.”

    Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried

    Chuck- “There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris. If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris’ tears, it’s Jesus’ blood.”

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