Side Hugs: because regular hugging is too sinful

The abstinence movement is a fucking joke: the very premise that you can prevent kids from shagging each other by making them wear promise rings, taking pledges, or guilt tripping them has never worked, and it’s not likely to change so long as our bodies are hard wired for sex. Hey, if we didn’t want to bang one another so badly, there probably wouldn’t be many of us around. Just look at Pandas. You can’t even pay them to have sex, and they are fading faster than Lindsay Lohan’s looks.

The side hug is the latest attempt by moronic youth pastors to discourage kids from touching each other (they want to avoid genitals rubbing. What kind of hugs do they give?). Let’s get one thing clear; when you make something sinful, you’re instantly making it way hotter than it is. Did you ever notice kids are almost predisposed to doing the exact OPPOSITE of what you tell them?

I also love how these fucking clowns think rapping about side hugs instantly makes them the cool thing to do. I swear, sometimes I think they all secretly want their religions to fail. I don’t want to live in a world where people can’t hug face to face and give each other “blessing pats”.

Comments (32)

  • avatar

    Isaac

    Ha! That is SO stupid. Next they’ll be telling people not to directly wave at each other.

  • avatar

    robnuts01

    Oh man, this is so LAME!! I hate how they try to persuade kids with shitty music. Fucking Lame!

  • avatar

    Tom

    Yeah, gimme that Christian side hug! Now I desperately want one, too!

  • avatar

    Razzle

    Soulja Boy has the right idea. Superman that ho – fantastic!

  • avatar

    Nathan

    Umm. You know that site you linked to is a satirical look at the stupid things in Christian culture – the same way “Stuff White People Like” deals with white person culture?

  • avatar

    Mark

    Ok why are you being deliberately offensive again? What does this have to do with you? What does it have to do with your scientific views? What does it has to do with atheism? Do you post stuff like this to deliberately provoke people to anger, or do you do it simply out of spite, or a combination of the two?

    Personally, I couldn’t care less what these pastors are teaching these kids. So they’re attempting to teach them to respect their bodies. So what? What do you care? As someone who is so dead set against the spread of AIDS (and presumably other diseases) I would think you would be overjoyed about the idea of abstinence.

    Just trying to understand your angle because it seems all you want to do is offend..? What gives?

    Peace

  • avatar

    Jerad

    “Jesus never hugged nobody like that.”

    No, he just kissed them and washed their feet.

  • avatar

    LB

    Mark,

    This material is posted here to show how incredibly lame, stupid and irrelevant the movement (and the religion behind it) is.

    “So they’re attempting to teach them to respect their bodies. So what? What do you care?”

    Do you really have to ask? We care because we want kids exposed to reality, not the moralizing of a bunch of old men.

  • avatar

    Beer

    I hear the Star Wars Imperial March in that beat….

  • avatar

    LB

    And just one more thing Mark,

    I sincerely hope this site continues to offend you at every opportunity. There must be some nagging little voice in the back of your head that knows we’re right, because you seem to keep coming back for more.

  • avatar

    Scott

    @Mark These people aren’t telling kids to respect their bodies – that would require proper sex education instead of “side hugs”. You can’t truly respect something you don’t understand.

    Also, this is obviously not a philosophical site. If you want that, try http://commonsenseatheism.com/. Heavy stuff. Rather, TGA just refuses to take the ideas seriously. If someone wants to believe in Jesus, force them to admit that the have invisible friends, or believe in talking snakes, or virgin births. Then mock them.

  • avatar

    Spector567

    Who does it offend? It should offend you.

    It should offend you that the United states has the highest teen pregnancy rate of all industrialized nation by over 70%
    http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/hea_tee_pre_percap-health-teenage-pregnancy-per-capita

    I should offend you that it has the one of the Highest Abortion Rate of all industrialized nations and has the second most by country.
    http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/hea_abo_percap-health-abortions-per-capita

    It should Offend you that America has one of the highest if not the highest STD rate of all industrialized nations and over 80% higher than your closest neighbor.

    It should offend you that politicians and political leaders care more about the religious vote than the future of your kids.

    It should offend you that the biggest reason why is the because of religious right who forces abstinence only teaching policy that doesn’t work, and never has worked.

    Why doesn’t it offend you?

    Because it offends me that it takes people being pushy and pointed in order to make people who didn’t know that they should be offended take a second look.

  • avatar

    Mark

    Mark, This material is posted here to show how incredibly lame, stupid and irrelevant the movement (and the religion behind it) is.

    It is? That is the purpose of this website? And what “movement” are you talking about? For that matter what religion are you talking about? Do you realize how many branches of Christianity their are now? Just like the single cell, Christianity has mutated into hundreds of thousands of species. And just like the variety we see in species, many of those mutations have absolutely no likeness to one another at all. I would think any scientist could appreciate the variation. There are branches of Christianity that have no youth ministry at all. All they do is donate to charity and play bingo together. There are others that do nothing but overseas charity work for disaster victims. How in the world a learned man of this world–which I assume you are??–could so hastily stereotype a billion+ worldwide religion with so many denominations and charters as “lame and stupid” is completely beyond my comprehension. Sorry to pop your balloon but stereotypes are useless in any argument.

    “So they’re attempting to teach them to respect their bodies. So what? What do you care?” Do you really have to ask? We care because we want kids exposed to reality, not the moralizing of a bunch of old men.

    Old men? Do you think old men are the only people “moralizing” youth in Christian America? The youth ministry my kids attend once a week is taught by a 35 year old woman. All they do is eat food, play games, and talk about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, drinking and driving, dropping out of school, and violence. Do you have a problem with that type of “moralization” also? Perhaps you would prefer we let them moralize themselves here on the internet, where they can learn how to communicate like all the moral-less people on the internet?

    I have to ask at this point: How old are you, and what is your experience? Are you married? Kids? Education background? Would be very interested to know, LB. In fact, it would be very interesting to know the demographic of this web site. I get the feeling there aren’t many 40 something year old married dudes with teens here :))

  • avatar

    Mark

    TGA just refuses to take the ideas seriously. If someone wants to believe in Jesus, force them to admit that the have invisible friends, or believe in talking snakes, or virgin births. Then mock them.

    So this site exists to mock people? Degrade them? Ridicule them? Why? To elevate the esteem of the atheist host? And this is supposed to be the GOOD brand of atheism? Dare I ask: What does the BAD brand look like?? :O

    It must be to elevate the esteem of those who host the web site (and to those who visit it) OTHERWISE every time there was an article bashing a Christian idea, an atheist alternative would be presented yes? Then again I make the assumption that all of us wish for a peaceful, harmonious society and all of us wish to present ideas on how to achieve that. So when I see nothing but ridicule with no alternative, I’m only left to believe the author doesn’t have an alternative, he just simply wants to talk smack about other people. And if that is the point of this site, I will stop visiting it

  • avatar

    Scott

    @Mark, this website is satirical. It’s not some grand intellectual exercise. If that’s what you want, go elsewhere.

    I also don’t think TGA is any more degrading than what I was taught in Sunday school. TGA says people who believe in god are stupid. My Catechism teachers said I was born a corrupt soul to be eternally damned (unless I agreed with them, of course).

    TGA has given other ideas. He often promotes the scientific methodology, skepticism, and critical thinking. If you haven’t found that, then you’re not looking hard enough.

    You’re also making a bad assumption that every idea must automatically be followed with a replacement. That is certainly preferable, but not necessary, especially on a humor website. One does not follow from the other. Your reasoning is unimpressive.

    I do recommend this article, though, to untwist your knickers: http://commonsenseatheism.com/?p=605

  • avatar

    Jordan

    Man o man, that is just too good. And they have an entire list of Stuff Christians Like list

    http://stuffchristianslike.net/archives/

  • avatar

    Razzle

    This is about control. The church wants to control an aspect of young people’s lives so that they have power over them.

  • avatar

    Jim

    “”””So they’re attempting to teach them to respect their bodies. So what? What do you care?””””

    “””Do you really have to ask? We care because we want kids exposed to reality, not the moralizing of a bunch of old men.”””

    “”Old men? Do you think old men are the only people “moralizing” youth in Christian America? The youth ministry my kids attend once a week is taught by a 35 year old woman. All they do is eat food, play games, and talk about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, drinking and driving, dropping out of school, and violence. Do you have a problem with that type of “moralization” also? Perhaps you would prefer we let them moralize themselves here on the internet, where they can learn how to communicate like all the moral-less people on the internet?””

    You just did the metaphorical equivalent of taking the least important (and not even literal) part of that sentence (old men), and running a marathon with it. You also in the process brought up completely unrelated and off topic talking points, which in absolutely no way address the issues raised by the person you were talking to and then made a sarcastic suggestion of nonsensical idiocy that person “perhaps would prefer”.

    You my deluded friend are an argumentative sophist. And not a very good one.

    Teaching abstinence doesn’t work. It’s out of touch, idealistic and hopelessly useless relic of the imaginings of puritanically-minded and equally out of touch religious leaders. If you’re going to educate someone… you have to EDUCATE them. Not just tell them that sex before marriage is a sin and that doing it is bad. It’s ridiculous.

    Sex education is important. You need to understand sex if you want to be safe about it. The condom is a marvellous invention.

    The same goes if you’re going to talk about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, drinking and driving, etc etc etc… The educational prerogative of the church is based on primitive and unrealistic notions. According to religious institutions, sin behind the action is more important than the lack of informed thought behind the action. It’s dated nonsense.

  • avatar

    articulett

    The only kind of hugging I’d want to do with a Christian is the side hug.

    They’re… creepy.

  • avatar

    Charles Evo

    The Brothers do a hug a bit like that. Not to the side (of course, that’s weird), but arm in front and absolutely no possibility for man-on-man genital contact.

    It called, “The Brother Hug”

    You know what I’m talking about….

  • avatar

    Razzle

    Let the damn kids do a regular hug and some normal making out and some physical contact, rather than retarding their emotional development, with this side hug bullshit.

    Far better to ease into intercourse with some previous sexuality, so that you’re 16, or whatever and perhaps, more emotionally ready than someone who’s only side hugged.

  • avatar

    Maxine

    Are these people mentally ill? I don’t understand.

  • avatar

    Anida Adler

    OMFG, did I hear right? I couldn’t get past this part: “You aint no rabbi, you aint no priest, so rise up off me like bread with no yeast”?!

    I must be wrong, because if the lyrics are anything, ANYTHING like the above sentence it’s wrong on so very many levels. I am nearly falling off the couch here…

    a) So, if it’s a rabbi or a priest, they don’t have to rise up off you? They can just go right on ahead with whatever they were doing on you? WTF?
    b) Bread with no yeast doesn’t rise at all. Trust me, I do a bit of baking now and then. So are you trying to say… are you implying…

    Never mind. I’m laughing too much to even attempt to work this one out.

  • avatar

    Kevin O'Leary

    The best bit is the wailing siren to emphasize their association with petty crime. I won’t say anymore in case they “bust a cap in my ass”.

  • avatar

    Thundur Freyr

    Seems like Mark is a little ashamed of this thing. As he should be. Which is why it gets posted here.

    Freethinkers like to laugh at the idiotic things religion makes people do. Sue us.

  • avatar

    Jeffrey

    At 2:25 or so, does he really quickly rap ‘democrats shouldn’t be in the congress’ ?

  • avatar

    Jordan

    …and why do they all pretend to get murdered at the end?

  • avatar

    Vicky P

    And I’m guessing since they only do side hugs, no-one’s had the opportunity to tell them what a ‘rough rider’ actually is…

  • avatar

    q4654w754jm7467

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pftcv2qhTE8

    “Douchebags.” My thoughts exactly, Gene.

    Seriously, are these mentally retarded (or religitarded) rappers for real? Someone needs to slap some sense into those bitches, I doubt they’d be very ‘gangsta’ when their God doesn’t show up to help these liars for Jesus. Fuck, telling people hugging from the front is wrong?r

  • avatar

    Jim

    You got any replies yet mark, you stupid fucking moron?

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