Sex it up with Jesus!


How many of you believers out there are tired of not being able to have anal sex or a hot threesome with your wife because she’s a Christian? Well, have no fear you poor sexually frustrated bastard, a theological solution is here. Just go to SexinChrist.com to know everything you need to know about how God permits that kind of wonderful sodomy.

Now I know what you’re going to say: “Jake, surely it’s too good to be true. Are you sure I can have my chastity and my orgiastic parties at the same time?” Who fucking cares? This is probably the only way you can finally convince your spouse that God commands his followers to shave their bikini zones.

Honestly, my favorite chapter was the one on how strong erections are a gift from God, which therefore makes Viagra a gift from God. You hear that, ladies? When I take this pill invented by a bunch of scientists, my penis gets harder than granite because God wills it. Hallelujah!

Comments (9)

  • avatar

    Laney Landry

    Okay, you’ve convinced me to check it out. What about consenting adults?

  • avatar

    Isaac

    I bet Jesus’ penis was huge!

  • avatar

    Anti-theist

    Fisting for Christ! Now I’ve heard it all!

  • avatar

    Scott

    Per the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

    “[Paragraph] 2351: Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself. isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.”

    So one possible interpretation is that all (hetero) butt-fucking is OK, so long as you cum in a vagina.

  • avatar

    Razzle

    Amazing, how they try to make the Bible endorse whatever it is they want to do, rather than just saying “fuck the Bible” and doing whatever they want.

  • avatar

    Jim

    That is the most epically awesome thing i have ever seen

  • avatar

    Jessica Sideways

    I am thinking of taking this and other exhibits and creating a ‘Hypocrisy in Christianity’ museum. :-)

  • avatar

    Jeffrey

    I got as far as ‘fisting at the bible’ before losing it :P

  • avatar

    James Anderson

    That site is the most hilarious site I have ever seen, check out the angry comments he answers.

    But is a bizarre way I wonder if he might be half right in that the Bible was interpreted by puritans, or other long ago religious groups, to say that these sex act were bad because it made them/they’re people uncomfortable. And that the Bible DOESN’T support the condemnation of these acts.

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