Bible Redux


So apparently the Bible is way too liberal for some. The Conservative Bible Project is the inspired project of Conservapedia, that great resource of idiocy, backwardness, and general ignorance. They’ve decided the Bible needed to be expunged of the socialist elements, such as the use of: comrade, labor, and volunteer. They also want it to reflect their free market ideals:

Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.

Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

Obviously no one can stop these psychos from taking an already scary tome and editing all the peaceful and beneficial elements out of it. What we should do, on the other hand, is use this opportunity to show just how often religious manuals are manipulated and changed to fit the particular mores of the times. Conservatives have a gigantic hard-on for two things: Jesus and money, and so their Bible will be an eclectic mix of Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations and Rush Limbaugh’s The Way Things Ought to Be.

Do we need to remind these guys that Jesus did not invent capitalism? I know they want to make greed their religion, but that shit is just getting totally out of control here. Can we all collectively agree these people are insane?

Comments (29)

  • avatar

    Crystal

    I thought we already came to the conclusion that they are insane.

  • avatar

    Razzle

    The bible should indeed be edited. If we could take out all the evil and nonsense and change them into love, acceptance and scientific knowledge – and the Christians followed this book as they do the bible now, I would have very little problem with Christianity.

  • avatar

    Razzle

    I understand that’s not what they are doing, but I *love* the idea that they are considering editing it. One day, they will fix it into a book of love instead of the book of hate that it is

  • avatar

    Kay

    I don’t see what socialism has to do with atheism. It isn’t the tool of the devil but it IS a kind of government that just DOESN’T work.

  • avatar

    Sisyphus Fragment

    Poor poor Razzle. They will not.

  • avatar

    Zac

    <.< How do I send him an article link.

    Ah, fuck it, I’m just going to post it here: http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSTRE5943HL20091005

    The Article is about an Italian Scientist who has recreated the Shroud of Turin using techniques that were around in the Middle Ages. He actually got some pretty accurate results, too.

    P.S. Great post.

  • avatar

    Jacob Fortin

    I don’t think American has any fucking clue what socialism means. Seriously, look it up people.

  • avatar

    Kay

    –noun
    1. a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.

    from dictionary.com

  • avatar

    Kay

    n.

    1.

    Any of various theories or systems of social organization in which the means of producing and distributing goods is owned collectively or by a centralized government that often plans and controls the economy.
    2.

    The stage in Marxist-Leninist theory intermediate between capitalism and communism, in which collective ownership of the economy under the dictatorship of the proletariat has not yet been successfully achieved.

    missed two. the government owning our businesses is not my idea of a good system.

  • avatar

    Jacob Fortin

    You really believe today’s “socialist” countries are like that?

  • avatar

    makarios

    If we could take out all the evil”

    Right, a book about human relationships that doesn’t include horrendous evil. Good luck with that.

  • avatar

    Craig

    @Kay,
    Using a dictionary definition to argue against an entire concept is never a good idea – that’s more accurate a description of communism, not socialism. They’re two different things. And Socialism (Canada, Europe) works marvellously. Just fucking amazingly. Especially compared to the travesty that is America right now.

  • avatar

    Jarek

    Holy fuck, I thought you were doing satire at first!

    “Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story”

    Is that the story where Jesus comes to the defense of the woman who is about to be stoned to death, sending an anti-death penalty message? Because they should be averse to that as well.

    Also, you could do a comparison between the long haired effeminate Jesus in popular culture and the Jesus conservatives want to worship – a crew-cut, muscle-bound, gun-toting macho man who shoots first and asks questions later.

  • avatar

    Zac

    Well, Craig, even though I agree with you that the UK and other nations like it function much better than America and other capitalistic nations; the UK is actually a Social Democracy. Though it is a branch of Socialism, it actually differs from mainstream socialism in many ways as well.

    The Economic systems are the major differences, as socialism denotes an economic system of state ownership and/or worker ownership of the means of production and distribution while Social Democratic nations tend to favor a mixed economy; which is just what it sounds like, elements of capitalism and socialism mixed into one economic policy.

  • avatar

    Wendy

    Fantastic ‘toon!

  • avatar

    subo

    Al Franken had a great comic along these lines – ‘Supply Side Jesus’, I believe it was.

  • avatar

    Aaron

    Clearly this shows that people don’t get their values from the “good book”, they project their values onto it!

  • avatar

    Razzle

    You guys can talk about socialism or whatever – what it means – i’m economically conservative.

    It doesn’t matter- none of it matters as much as fighting the scourge of religion, let’s not focus on the relatively unimportant differences.

  • avatar

    Paul from NH

    For all their distortion, the folks at Conservapedia do seem to be following one of Jesus’s teachings — “No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.” (Luke 16:13, NIV) Obviously, they picked Money instead of God.

  • avatar

    Jim

    Look at the education and health system in Sweden, as well as GDP per capita, life span, and standard of living….

    SOCIALISM….. TOOL OF EVIL

  • avatar

    Razzle

    Maybe their rejection of superstitions helped. I really don’t wanna argue over socialism, but I hope we can agree that their raging atheism helps ‘em out.

  • avatar

    Matt

    “I don’t think American has any fucking clue what socialism means. Seriously, look it up people.”

    @Jacob, I agree with this completely.

    It’s so irritating to see people screaming about the evils of socialism when they don’t even know what that means. If you’re against socialism, fine, but at least know what it is first. I saw some interview of a guy at one of the Tea Party/Tea Bagger protest things. He was screaming about Obama being a socialist and the evils of socialism, etc. He was then asked what socialism was and responded
    “Um…it’s like…it’s like a mix between…communism and…i don’t really know what it is”.

    People are far to eager to become outraged over something that they don’t take the time to educate themselves on what they’re supposed to be outraged about.

    There are obviously bigger problems then socialism. Like Obama not being a US citizen for one…

  • avatar

    Martin Fallon

    Check out the latest United Nations Human Development Index:
    First place: Norway – social democratic tradition,
    2nd: Australia – Labour (ie: social-democrat) government,
    3rd: Iceland – see ‘Norway’,
    4th: Canada – Various Labour governments since 1945,
    5: Ireland – Labour party has participated in several coalition governments,
    6: Netherlands – see ‘Norway’,
    7: Sweden – see ‘Norway’,
    8: France – say no more,
    …..
    13: US of A – Mention anything ‘social’(-ism, -ized, -democratic, leftie, whatever) and you’re politically dead.

    However, to stick to the point in question, out of the top ten, only one country – Ireland – has a religious tradition anywhere near as strong as the US. The rest are openly secular and the vast majority of inhabitants don’t give a fig about religion. Coincidence?

  • avatar

    Doctor F.

    I wonder if Andy has got as far as the Book of Revelation yet. When he does, he’s gonna have an oops moment:

    22:18 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
    22:19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

  • avatar

    Ben

    Kudos to all the fine folks (i.e. Jacob) defending socialism from the ignorant jackasses who criticize and demonize it without knowing what the feck it even is. I tell you, sometimes I just can’t stand living in a country where the only thing people despise more than learning is humility. The anti-socialism rhetoric– which usually turns out to be misguided anti-communism rhetoric, which is just dandy– always, always turns out to be an opinion based on lack of knowledge.
    @Kay Socialism isn’t a kind of government, it’s a form of economic system. Sheeeeesh…
    @Matt- you had all my respect, fine post, until you had to go on about the debunked birther crap. I mean come on, I’m not even a fan of Obama, I despise his foreign policy and can’t stand some of his domestic decisions, but really? The birther stuff? You had rationality in your grip…and you just let go. Breaks a guy’s heart, sometimes.

    Hate socialism to thy heart’s content– just have the decency and maturity to learn more than just a description about it. Learn about it in-depth. Compare it to capitalism. Then talk to me about evil.

  • avatar

    Dick Mainville

    This whole issue is very illogical. Do we send money to Muslim nations? Do we send troops to defendMuslim people in Muslim nations? Do we bring Muslim refugee’s here from Iraq and Afganistan and othercountries? Do our tax dollars go to support and rebuild Muslim nations? But we tell the Muslims herethey cannot build their mosque. CRAZY

  • avatar

    Spectrum

    Christians already follow their own individual versions of their own religion. You will find no two Christians with the exact same morals. Most of them preach the nice parts of the Buybull sans bad verses.

  • avatar

    John

    @Martin Fallon
    There is a VAST difference between SOCIAL JUSTICE and SOCIALIST. I live in Australia and you said that the Labor party is social-democrat. It’s really not. The Labor party is pretty much a centre-left group, and does social justice issues, but it’s far from socialist.

    A social justice society is one that supports things like unemployment benefits, healthcare, education and so on.

    Socialism (as far as I understand it, I’m defiantly no expert) is about common ownership and equity of labour, where the value of work is based on the labour time.

    The scary thing about America is Glen Beck and co-horts actually fear social justice, which is crazy because social justice is what christianity more or less preaches (well the good bits anyhow). The far right media ‘pundits’ in America have equated social justice with socialism, socialism with communism, and communism is the devil (because communists are atheist bastards).

    Therefore America can’t have universal health care or an education system with equitable funding.

    Poor unlucky bastards.

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