That settles it: No Dating Mormon chicks


I always knew they might be boring in bed, but these quotes from actual sexual advice from Mormon church leaders cements the fact that I will never bed a Mormon girl:

– Marriage is both a commandment and an exalting principle of the gospel. Because it is ordained of God, the intimate physical expressions of married love are sacred. Yet all too commonly, these divine gifts are desecrated. If a couple allows lewd language or pornography to corrupt their intimacy, they offend their Creator while they degrade and diminish their own divine gifts.

– Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord. Pornography and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage.”

– The First Presidency [including Gordon B. Hinckley] has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.

No dirty talking, no fantasies and no blow jobs? What the hell else are we supposed to do?

-A deep and abiding relationship with the Savior is indeed the only way to achieve true intimacy in our relationships with others.

Threesome with Jesus? I’ll pass.

Comments (23)

  • avatar

    Dom

    LOL This is great! Now I’m gonna sue you: I spilled coffee all over my keyboard!

    But seriously, I guess that’s why the Savior in his great wisdom, revealed useful instruments — all officially approved and stamped Made In Heaven™:

    http://www.divine-interventions.com

    And of course, there’s also this very Holy website selling sex toys to married Christians: http://book22.com/ whose name is inspired by the book from the Bible containing the Song of Solomon.

    Enjoy (and njoy*)!

    (*) for njoy explanation: http://bit.ly/wYZqd

  • avatar

    Sean

    These fucking idiots really do make it up as they go along. You would think with magic underwear the bedroom activities would be more entertaining.

  • avatar

    Isaac

    I think they have a Jesus Fetish.

  • avatar

    chocobar

    They neeed shirts that say “I had a 3some with Jesus” or “I invited Jesus into my bedroom”

  • avatar

    CybrgnX

    As Sean says they make this up!!
    Where in the buy-Bul does it say that schite???
    I can easily find where people are raping, and fucking 300girls
    but nothing on this wholly crap stated above.
    Except maybe in Paul but he’s insane and doesn’t really count.

  • avatar

    leorolim

    “uncontrolled behavior”

    You can’t get excited!
    Just make another nice kid for god’s sake and make it a religious freak like you…

  • avatar

    TheLoneIguana

    Even their magic underwear is pretty uninspired.

  • avatar

    Carla

    Bunch of hypocrites. I worked for morons…I mean mormons for the last seven years. Divorces, affairs, you name it. All the while maintaining their smug, superior attitude toward me and the other non-mormons in the office.

    F+++++, would not work for again. And dating/marriage? There was a seriously hot girl (o noes, I is a lesbian! How COULD they tolerate me?) in the office I was interested in until it transpired that she, too, was a mormon. That ended that. Not that they let us second-class citizens get married here in Cali anyway. :(

  • avatar

    Messier

    Carla, just FYI… 110% of anyone who has half an effin’ brain wants more than anything for you to have the right to get married…

    I ain’t even bi and it completely incenses me that somehow religion came into the picture when Prop 8 came around. Didn’t surprise me, but definitely pisses me off. Just wanted to say that.

  • avatar

    Rob

    Ultimate proof of the twisted perversion of those afflicted by the priest delusion is that they always, invariably, try to get into the bedrooms of their flock.

  • avatar

    jen

    Well, it didn’t say no golden showers, anal or scat play, so I’m sure that we should all be able to do something interesting to pass the time while this blows over….

  • avatar

    Datan0de

    Kick ass! I broke every single one of these guidelines multiple times this past weekend! I’ve even got the bite marks to prove it! :-)

  • avatar

    Joreth

    My married boyfriend and I broke every single one of those just this weekend!

    (BTW – he’s in an open marriage with her full support, we’re not cheating)

  • avatar

    Washi

    But …. if you corrupt her and lead her away from the church, you might end up with a very fun bedmate 😉 Most LDS girls I grew up with were kinky as hell (including myself).

    Just a mention from a Good-Mormon-Girl-turned-atheist.

  • avatar

    Ruttenjump

    I went on a few dates with a mormon girl a couple years back. After the first date she handed me the Book of Mormon and suggested I look at it if interested. I read the intro and couldn’t believe people could be so gullible.

    She was the way-too-nice type, very pure (and therefore boring). Definitely not the kinky type like Washi is referring to.

  • avatar

    Tyler Chesley

    I’m an ex-mormon atheist and I tried to verify some of their accusations on proscriptions against oral sex and wasn’t able to do so. I think most Mormon couples I know wouldn’t bat an eye at oral sex. I think overall Mormons have a very conservative view on sex otherwise.

  • avatar

    Kelsey Mackintosh

    I know you all would agree that sex is amazing. How amazing would it be if you saved everything for the one you love most? That bond would only be shared between the two of you and mormon or not that is romantic and sounds the best to me! :) The prophets aren’t saying those things are bad, they are stating that they could be bad if used in the wrong time setting. Just save it for the one you love and that connection will always be there.

  • avatar

    Jeff

    Kelsey,

    In an age where the Church allows divorce, what does it matter? How is it any different from being sealed – which, by the way the Church also hasn’t seemed to figure out yet. If I’m sealed to my first wife, but then I divorce her, and then I’m sealed to my second wife, then when we all die? Then what? I have two wives to deal with?

    Oh, we’ll just “un-seal” you. How convenient.

    As far as the Church is concerned, saving yourself for your “true love” is a waste of time, since your “true love” can be redefined again and again in the eyes of God and the Church.

    Since the Church can’t seem to make up its mind, why don’t you just have some fun?

  • avatar

    K

    When you get in bed with someone, what do you think of? Yourself? Her/Him?

    Sex is holy meaning different or set apart from the normal. Normal can be boring. Sex is being made as normal as drinking your coffee in the morning. This distorts the actual power of sex. Sex with my wife is perfect now that we have aligned ourselves with simple principles like, respect, control and compassion. That’s compassion not passion. That comes naturally. We treat sex as an expression of love and not just or mostly physical stimuli.

    To all those who argue against saving yourself sexually for a permanent spouse, think about it past your ego.

    For all those who argue against those who don’t understand why you should wait, don’t argue with them. Instead maybe you can enlighten them from actual feelings and questions not black/white stuff that only resonates with those with a long history of religious practices.

  • avatar

    Kelsey Mackintosh

    Jeff your obviously a moron and know nothing about the church. It’s funny how you write back some huge response and try to make yourself sound so smart concerning the doctrines of the church when you don’t know a dang thing. Maybe next time before you want to bad mouth the church or anything for that matter you should get your facts straight! If you’re interested in actually learning the truth instead of creating stupid opinions in your own head you should get a hold of the LDS missionaries. I’m sure there’s a few roaming your streets. It would be good for you! Thanks and have a nice day.

  • avatar

    Brian

    Jeff your obviously a moron and know nothing about the church. It’s funny how you write back some huge response and try to make yourself sound so smart concerning the doctrines of the church when you don’t know a dang thing. Maybe next time before you want to bad mouth the church or anything for that matter you should get your facts straight! If you’re interested in actually learning the truth instead of creating stupid opinions in your own head you should get a hold of the LDS missionaries. I’m sure there’s a few roaming your streets. It would be good for you! Thanks and have a nice day.

  • avatar

    John Beamer

    Culturally mormons don’t talk about the bedroom. It’s considered bad taste. So you won’t see many defend themselves much less feel the need to. Mormon leaders emphasize respecting your partner in the bedroom because some mormon men are domineering to their wives and complete assholes. If my wife wants to express herself a certain way in bed, I could care less how she does this or vice versa, and it’s not the church’s business. Even mormons take the quotes above out of context, cuz idiocy can’t escape any organization ever created.

  • avatar

    Christi

    I agree with John. You won’t generally hear Mormons talking about sex. Most of the guidelines I’ve seen through a marriage class and family relationships class at BYU-Idaho have lead me back to the phrase I learned at the ommunity college in my abnormal psych class – safe, sane and consensual. Honestly, it seems to me that the Church cares more about following the law of chastity – man and woman legally wed – than the particular acts in the bedroom – or whatever other private place you find. Personally, I think Weshi may be right about many.

Leave a Comment

Scroll to top