Jacob vs Jesus: battle for God status
I found this website the other day, and thought some of you might be amused by what they are trying to ‘prove’. This is a site obviously masquerading as scholarly, and asking pointless questions like: “Did Jesus lie when he claimed he was a God”. That this question is even asked seems so ridiculous I don’t feel the need to answer it. I shall, therefore, prove to all my loyal readers that I, Jacob Fortin am a God by using the same arguments.
I shall begin by making the statement first. I am God. Ok, that was easy enough. Do I have proof? Well, I never told a lie, so if that’s true, then I have to be a God. Unlike other religious figures, who spoke wisely of their religion but never claimed to be a supreme being, Jesus and I have something in common; we just went for it. Of course, there’s a bunch of miracles he supposedly performed, but rest assured, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I once rose a guy from the dead. I’m telling you the truth here. Hard to believe, right? Well, you’ll just have to take my word for it, and if you don’t, you’ll burn in Hell forever. Does that sound a little harsh? Ok, tell you what; I’m a kind God, so I’ll only let you burn in hell for 2-3 weeks. I think that’s pretty fair.
Lastly, I need some kind of easy wisdom to pass along. Some might think if I was a God, I would know the answers to some of the Universe’s toughest questions. I wouldn’t just go spouting moral platitudes until the cows come home. I’m going to give you, my children, some much wiser insights than that. Did you know the Universe was over 13 billion years old? Well, Jesus sure didn’t, and that seems like a pretty big oversight for a God to make. You might be tempted to tell me almost everyone else who has a high school education can tell you that, but so what? It certainly doesn’t prove I learned that fact from anywhere other than my Godly brain.
Well, I seemd to have passed all of the tests laid out by these fucking clowns, so I’ll leave you to ponder how you will come to worship me. Remember, all other Gods are false gods, since they have failed to prove how divine they are by these highly rigorous tests. Now don’t you feel better knowing Biblical scholars are out there doing the hard research? I know I am!