The real definition of marriage

There’s been a lot of debate concerning the definition of marriage. I know many conservatives are offended guys like me call them on the fact that the real reason they dislike gays marrying is because they are homophobic. I’m accused of making blanket statements about conservatives, and of labeling people.

Now, I want to make it clear to everyone that I’m not trying to make a person feel inferior for being a homophobe. Homosexuality is only now becoming more accepted, and I know of many friends and family members who have a certain degree of prejudice against them. But that’s the thing; it’s a controllable degree, and the trick is to try and rise above your upbringing to overcome some of our less noble emotions.

Even so, there’s still a large segment of the religious right who will tell you they want the definition to stay the same for religious reasons, not because of any real homophobia. Fine. If you want it that way, however, you’re going to have to follow it to the letter and stop choosing only the stuff you like. Here are some of the rules courtesy of Daily Kos:

  • Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)
  • Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in
    addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
  • Marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a
    virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
  • Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.
    (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
  • Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any state, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
  • If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
  • In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required  you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

Any takers?

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Comments (11)

  • avatar

    joe botelho

    As a man who has been married for 7 years let me give ALL people thinking about getting married, DONT DO IT!!! Have kids and shit but dont do the deed marriage sucks as much as your wife did BEFORE you were married. Yes it does suck that bad.
    I cant say anything about gay marriages but i can say this ALL WOMEN BECOME WIFES. no matter how much love you have for her or the fact you bring her to climax 5 out of 7 times girlfriend always became wifes.

    Thanks for reading my warning and keep up the good show homos.
    You guys are gay right? you live toghter and have cats. Cats for fucks sake are gayer then dressing as boy george.

    loving you all,
    Joe Botelho

  • avatar

    Shaun

    I don’t know about you, but there’s no way i’m paying anyone one shoe.

  • avatar

    Jacob Fortin

    sorry joe, I’m actually straight, but more straight men live with cats than you might realize…

  • avatar

    Aaron

    If they’re going to take one of my shoes they might as well take the other!

    Bahahahaha, I looked up the last one in my bible, and I think Jacob took out a lot of the poetry out of those passages.

  • avatar

    Jessica

    I love the one shoe thing, not only do you have no shoes to wear but you also have one useless shoe without a pair cluttering up the place.

    Oh, and ‘tag-teaming’?

  • avatar

    Todd

    * Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

    Gen 29 How did that work out for Jacob. They put the fun in dysfunctional. Almost got his youngest son Joseph killed because of all the jealousy.

    II Sam 3 And let’s not even mention all the problems David faced because of his sins of multiple wives, his children died, he almost died. Absalom his son planned a mutiny against him. His sons raping his daughters. His sons killing other sons.

    * Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in
    addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

    II Sam- again how did that work out for him

    I Kings 11- verse 3 is telling that Solomon was in sin against God because of this- verses 1 and 2

    II Chron 11- This passage is about Rehoboam, he split the nation of Israel into north and south. Not someone you want to fashion your life after.

    * Marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a
    virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
    Deut 22- apparently God takes purity pretty seriously. The fact is she did deserve to die. But the sad fact is do I, so do you, because none of us are pure enough. Wish there was some way we didn’t have to be stoned to death. Oh yeah there is, grace. God put our death on his son, who lived the life I should have lived, and you should have lived, and this Deut 22 woman should have lived.

    * Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.
    (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

    -What’s wrong with this one. As Chris Rock says, 2 crackheads can stay together a long time. What does someone who believes in God, salvation, Jesus have in common with someone who doesn’t. Why would a know believer want to marry a believer. That seems like common sense.

    * Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

    Yeah God hates divorce as well. Truth be told divorce causes way more problems than gay marriage in America. Some people should have thought a little harder before they got married. Jesus said God allowed divorce through the law because of our hard hearts. We need to stop being so self centered and soften our hearts. Divorce usually leads to more divorce, with broken children, who grow up and get divorced.

    * If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

    Deut 25:5 also says if brothers are living together, so there is a condition for this form of marriage. But it is still man and wife

    * In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

    Gen 19- Again this story is about Lot, not a man you want to fashion your life after. The only thing that saved Lot was his Uncle Abraham’s prayers to God. And again Lot and his daughters did not get married.

    Just because God let something be reported in his Bible does not mean it is his will. Sometimes it is a WARNING. There are descriptive verses in the Bible. The are also commands in the Bible.

    I do not think that homosexuals should be mistreated.

    However I do think there are biological natural reasons they should not get married. The main being new life cannot be formed in that relationship.

    Truthfully the only reason you should think homosexuality is wrong is because you think God says it is wrong. Which I do. But at the same time it is no more wrong than the majority of divorces, sex outside of marriage, cohabitation, adultry. The good news their is grace for all us sinners.

  • avatar

    Josh Nankivel

    Todd, you are wrong.

    Joe, you are an idiot.

    Jacob, you rock.

    Josh Nankivel
    http://non-theist.com

  • avatar

    todd

    Thank you Josh for setting us all straight. No pun intended.

  • avatar

    Todd

    Exactly which part was I wrong about? Was it my spelling errors, the fact that I skipped some words, or when I said homosexuals should not be mistreated. Cause I stand by all the statements, even the mistakes.

  • avatar

    Joe Botelho

    HAHAHA! did you know that Nankivel means “Gay cat lover” in portuguesse?

    if it dosent then i am not a totally hot and sexy portuguesse man o love.

  • avatar

    maeghi

    i love how the religious right try to explain the bible so as to make it not look hypocritical.

    lucy, you got alot more ‘splaining to dooooo.

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