How big is heaven anyway?

There are some people who behave in such a strange manner, and believe in such terrifyingly silly things, that you have to take a moment in your day to see for yourself the depth of man’s delusions. This week, an interesting video was presented to me, where a supposed expert makes his predictions as to the relative size of heaven. His conclusion: heaven is about 7,000,000 times bigger than New York.

At first I wasn’t sure if this was some silly prank or hoax, considering not only the strange production value and the robotic movements of the host, but also the rather bold conjectures he makes. Did you know everyone gets a mansion in Heaven? It’s a good thing to; where else are you supposed to sleep and have breakfast?

The special effects are so ludicrous, I’m still not sure whether this isn’t an elaborate prank pulled on everyone. Nothing this bad can be real, right? Each minute is stranger than the next, as a 32 inch little person trolleys forward on her miniscule wheelchair, declaring that in heaven, her body will allow her to walk. She then proceeds to sing a rather creepy little jig in a voice reminiscent of Alvin the Chipmunk.

The crescendo of silliness is finally ended with a plea to consider our plans for eternity. What are you going to do if you’re crushed in an earthquake by the merciful hands of the Almighty? Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m barely able to plan a weekend, let alone an eternity of stuff to do. Such a long period of time to fill with activity would undoubtedly require a significant portion of my life to arrange, and at best, I could hope to account for only a few thousand years of fun. I certainly hope heaven has an activity planner, or else things might get boring pretty damn quick!

Comments (2)

  • avatar


    considering that in order to get to heaven we need to follow certain arbitrary rules which tend to take the fun out of living, I think heaven itself would get old fast. Imagine planning your weekend, and then take out all the stuff that the bible tells you you can’t do and you are left with a pretty bland weekend. Now , multiply that weekend by forever…

    Yeah, you know what? I’ll just adapt to the heat…

  • avatar


    Damn this chowder head and senseless rederrick. I could only watch about a minute and a half of this video before having to turn it off for wanting to go laugh, cry and vomit and the same time.

    I love how the people in the video were just nodding along to every half-baked word this guy spewed. These people are sheep! You could have told them God would fly out of their morning oatmeal and they would have undoubtedly believed it.

    If there is a heaven, if we are in fact lucky enough to go to some most magical place – not on earth, I sincerely hope this meat head isn’t allowed in.

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